google says: BAD NEWS BEARS!

Well the saga continues ... yesterday I spoke with my doctors office and freaked them out enough that I now qualify for a home healthcare evaluation.

I am simultaneously relieved and terrified. The relief is because there is hope that I will glad feel better and we can hopefully regain some weight, peace, and excitement. The terror is simply because I googled my treatment plan and was met with multiple horrifying stories where it all went wrong. Like catastrophically, but that's what google is for, right?

Here is the worst case scenario imaginable! Now panic over it for days!!!

I mean, let's be frank, if there is a chance of a horrendous, atypical reaction to be had the odds just aren't in my favor!

I want to document this process, as much for my own good as potentially someone else's, so I'm going to be honest as I can. 

I feel very betrayed by my own body. A friend asked me the other day if I resented the baby, honestly the question shocked me. That's how far from "resentment" I am, it never occurred to me. Baby is as much a victim of this senseless crap as I am!

If I am to blame anyone or thing it is my own body, which seems to have decided that basic nourishment is poison. 

It is so weird to be thirsty, parched even, and yet I cannot drink. I could have any fluid I want to (except maybe the damn margarita I so deserve) but I know drinking it would be a mistake probably 80% of the time. Usually drinking triggers an episode of vomiting where the amount that comes up is greater than the amount I attempted to send down. Furthering the dehydration even more. Food can occasionally make it down, drinks are rare. Weird. 

I feel like a failure and like I am being failed. With the potential risks and complications that may lay ahead with the new potential plan I find myself looking back and wondering what I did wrong, did I really try hard enough, am I making too big a deal of all this? Logically I know it is time to take more aggressive action, I've barely been living for a month ... Shoot even my concept of time is shot. I have no idea how long it has been. I guess from week 8 to now, so that would be 6 weeks. Sheesh. Yeah, it's time to do more. But it's scary too. 

So today I am waiting in my insurance company to approve whatever they will approve and call me so that we can set up appointments and all that. Of course it's a Friday so I am lacking confidence regarding the speed with which this will all happen. Strange to fear it but want it all to hurry up. I've always been a practical person, once a decision is made I'm like "let's just do it and get on with things" so I am not a fan of limbo.

Yeah, no. 

Anyway, more whining and boring babble is likely to come. I have a non HG post coming soon, full of GIFs and one hot Scot, so there's a ray of delicious sunshine coming soon!

Oh and last thought I will leave you with here ... due the the constant companion Zofran has in constipation I get to try my very first Dulcolax suppository tonight.  Yup.  I know, you are jealous of the fun I am going to be having!  Wild Friday nights up in here!