I'm a vinegar masochist

Vinegar.  I have such a love hate relationship with the stuff.  If it could only smell more tolerable I would amend that to a "love love relationship" but no.  Instead vinegar smells like a 16 day-dead-jock-strap.  And yet, I clean my house with it.  Go figure.

A few weeks ago my husband, who is still living by the way even after this, talked me into trying some brilliant idea.  Lured by the promise of "it is cheap" and "it is green" and the promise that he found the idea on Pintercrack -- therefore lending it complete credibility! -- I agreed.

The idea, my friends, was to give up shampoo and conditioner and trade them in for baking soda and vinegar.

Oh. My. Gawd.  Yes, I was that stupid.  I took hair care advice from a dude who takes style cues from Mr. Clean.

Uh huh, bald dude told me what to do with my hair ... and I listened.  I must be some kind of masochist.

Anyway, there isn't much to blog here.  I tried it.  It was gross, as it turns out Bunyan and Pintercrack are not 100% reliable.  I tried to document it for the purposes of blogging but seriously I was so repulsed by myself that I only have one picture and I shudder to share even it.

Not a great quality, I know, but it felt like an oil spill happened on my head.  The picture really does it no justice at all.  It was such an odd combination of clean and filthy at the same time.

Proponents of this (seriously, search it on Pintercrack there are a LOT of people who swear by this) rave about how soft their hair is.  Uh huh, my hair was uber soft.  Slick even.

They call it "no 'poo" and I am not even going to touch that one with my immature sense of humor.  But here I am at the moment I decided the experiment was over and I was going to just wash my hair with REAL shampoo and conditioner.

I am sure I sounded like those old Herbal Essence commercials for that exceptionally long shower where half of a bottle of shampoo was used.

But I have to counteract this hideous and repulsive tail with a vinegar-that-works story.  Brace yourself, because this time I didn't bathe in it ... I drank it.

At this point you are either thinking "oh my gosh she is a total bad ass!" OR you are mortified that I can be this stupid and still survive.  Maybe a combo of both.  But desperate times call for desperate measures, my friends.

I had a sinus infection.  The Death Bug of 2014 had struck and slowly claimed everyone then really took me down.  It was a weekend and in my blurry desperation I searched for home remedies.  I found two, one I will share later because it was worthless to me then because it has to sit in the fridge for a bit to work.  The other was Apple Cider Vinegar.

I followed this recipe the first time and nearly hurled, which would have probably helped with the congestion temporarily but was not what I was hoping for.  The second go round I threw "healthy" to the wind and seasoned the hell out of my drink until it was tolerable-ish.  The end result is this recipe, keep in mind I am not a doctor I just play one on blogger in name only.

2 tablespoons unfiltered apple cider vinegar (don't use the crap that looks like apple juice because it won't work and you will needlessly suffer!  I used Braggs)
3/4 cup apple juice
1/4 cup (or there abouts) of water
As much cinnamon and honey as it takes to make it tolerable (I use an obscene amount)
Ice (because if it ain't cold you will never get it down)

Mix it all together and I drank it twice a day ... and seriously I felt better within 10 minutes of the first drink.  No joke, I had to see remarkable change after that first drink to even consider trying again.

Apparently ACV has tremendous health benefits, so since I can choke it down (though I may develop diabetes in the process) I have kept up the drinking to see how it goes.  I am not very good at remembering the twice a day thing, but I have pulled off once a day by making it ahead in a jug and shaking that mofo like mad when it is time to drink.    

So, laundry detergent, eh?

I was on a roll, I was feeling good, I knew failure was imminent!

But not today, or so I told myself!

As I was busily making my Ghetto Wipes and cleaning fluid I was also chatting with friends on the interwebz doing serious research.  In a facebook group of totally awesome people, many of whom far more skilled than I clearly, a recipe for laundry detergent surfaced.  The idea was born and I was obsessed.

I compared notes with about a million other recipes on Pintercrack.  I wanted a liquid and not a powder, and wound up doing one similar to this.  It is apparently the Duggar's recipe, but mine had slightly different ratios and made less than this one but I am not complaining.  Since it was a recipe shared by someone who makes this to sell it, I am not sharing the exact thing here -- not like I have such huge traffic it would matter but not risking it anyhoo!

So the ingredients are simple ... water, Fels-Naptha soap (or any bar soap apparently), Borax, and Washing Soda.  I made a quick Walmart run for the bar soap, the bucket (cheaper BTW at Home Depot or Lowes, NOT at Wally World go figure), and the washing soda.

Start by grating the bar of soap with a cheese grater.  Try to not be totally appalled at how much it looks like cheese.

Boil 4 cups of water and add the washing soda and borax to it (see, different steps than the Duggar one!) and once it is mixed around a bit add the cheesy soap bits.  I was trying to be really patient and get it to dissolve, but it was only mostly dissolved by the time I gave up and moved on.

I filled my big assed expensive bucket (it was like $5 instead of $3 at the hardware store LOL) with about 3.5 gallons of water by using an empty and rinsed out apple juice bottle.

While doing this step the Beans mocked my superior parenting skills by breaking into a room with a baby proof knob cover that *I* can barely use but he can remove.  Threw it into the bucket of water for good measure to let me know what he really thinks of my attempts to keep him out of my bedroom.

I then dumped that yellowish mixture into the bucket, clapped the lid on and let it sit for 24 hours.

The next day a hard film about a quarter inch thick had formed on the top and I tried to break it up.

Then the messy began.

I had an empty giant Costco-brand-of-Tide bottle and a couple big containers from the dollar store.  No matter how careful I was about it, I wound up smelling very very clean by the time I was done.

End result, we have been using it for a bit and I love it!  I use a full cup that came with the "Tide" of it for a wash load, because I read that somewhere... now that I think about it I may try less and see how that works.

What I Have will last a while.  I do have to occasionally shake the bottle because the chunks settle into the bottom and pug the sucker up.

So while I am not giving you a full how-to here, this should serve as a lesson.  I appear to not have caused any permanent damage to anything and am still off of all the government big brother watch lists (that I know of or wouldn't be on already LOL) ... so you can totally do this too!

So no massive failure yet ... the streak continues and I am not sure what I will do next!

Ghetto Wipes

So immediately following the making of my Ghetto All Purpose Cleaner I started butchering a roll of paper towels to make wipes because it appeals greatly to my inner lazy biotch to just have that around.

But let us start at the beginning.

I am a teaching supply hoarder.  Whether it is Sharpies or random containers that I insist on keeping while my husband rolls his eyes and tells me I am nuts, I just cannot help myself.  It is a compulsion.  One that behooves us more than my husband will EVER admit.

Point is, every time he goes through the garage and asks me "can I please throw this out now?!" I find a use for something that saves us money.

So the cylindrical cleaning wipes containers I insisted on keeping because YOU NEVER KNOW wound up being not only insanely useful but also part of saving us money!  Take that Bunyan!

I had my Ghetto All Purpose Cleaner ready to go, so I just needed the container and the "wipes."

This is where it gets messy.

First off, I had a roll of paper towels that are select a size, and I really thought I would like that.  I was wrong.  I may be getting ahead of myself here in reviewing my "product" before I tell ya how to make it, but in case you don't read the whole thing and try to walk in my footsteps (are you mad?) let me tell you now -- your wipes will be tiny!  Do not use the select a size towels if you use a dispenser like I am unless you want tiny wipes.  How tiny you ask?  Let me show you:

So I would prefer, and will do this next time because it is the only complaint I have at present, to use the full sized towels.

Reason being, step one with the paper towels is to cut them in half.  The whole damn roll.  Have you ever tried to cut a roll of paper towels in half?

It is a messy process.

Really.

I couldn't fit a whole roll of paper towels in the containers because they are just a bit too narrow, so I had to set some aside.  I did have the sense to do that before I cut the roll in half at least.

After sawing the roll in half and making your work space look like a blizzard hit, you have to wiggle the cardboard roll out of the center.  This is a lot easier than I figured it would be.  Then squeeze the roll into the container and pour the fluid mixture on it.

Seriously, that simple.

Now I had to clean the front bathroom, the one the boys all use.  I did not take a before picture, frankly who wants to see that?  But the after picture?  Seriously, my toilet was sparkling like a moody vampire on a sunny day!

Did you "ooooo" and "aaaaaa" because you should.

Again, like I said in the last post about making the cleaner, it was not like I was scrubbing obsessively.  It was no more work than a usual cleaner.  I did have to wipe the space dry, so I had one hand with a wet wipe and one with a dry one.  I also can't do a cost break down because again I had to purchase none of this that day, but I am sure it comes out exceptionally cheap when you really figure it out.

Feeling pretty in control of things I set my sites on a bigger battle because something else was running low and I would need to buy more soon ... laundry detergent ... oh yeah.  Stay tuned.

I am on a roll here, maybe I should change the blog up to be about practical cleaning tips ... something like ...

Seems legit.

All Purpose Cleaner, ghetto style!

I love the idea of making my own stuff.

Okay, no, I don't.  But I almost got that lie out with a straight face.  I am just cheap and being that we are a one income family in a world where two incomes is advisable we are broke enough I consider it.

While cleaning products aren't something I have to constantly buy (I usually did the bulk purchase option which lasted a bit) it seemed like they coordinated when to run out so that it would really bankrupt us.

Toilet Bowl Cleaner: "Hey y'all, the stash is getting low out here.  We only have one spare bottle that she will open the next time she cleans!"

Glass cleaner Refill: "Dats good with me, I am almost out too!  I will make sure she spills on the next refill and she will have to replace us at the same time!"

Antibacterial Surface Wipes: "No worries here!  Kids are back in school and you know she will be disinfecting the poo out of them daily!  Ha ha she will have to replace all of us!"

Meanwhile the toilet paper and paper towels are chiming in that we are down to the last roll too.

So the bulk that can be so great stinks when you have to replace three things at 20ish dollars whenever it happens.

So, I again hang my head and turn to the Pintercrack gods and ask if they have something that won't kill me, burn the house down, or land me on some government watch list if I make it in my kitchen.

I started with something that was an all purpose cleaner.  I went with that because my beloved wipes were running low, and in order to MAKE new ones I needed to MAKE the fluid first.

So I looked and looked ... for something supposedly so simple why are there so many options?  Oh and why does vinegar have to work so well for cleaning and smell like vinegar?  I mean really, isn't there a way to not make it smell like athlete's foot in the midst of the throes of death?  After the microwave incident it seems unlikely I will intentionally make my house smell that way, right?

Anyway, I went with this pin, because it did seem simple.

1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp dish soap (everyone uses Dawn LOL)
2 tbsp white vinegar
2 cups warm water

Aaaaand apparently I took no pictures during the whole making-it process.

Great.  Well I will tell you that I used the Dawn with Olay in it so it smelled like pomegranate something or other.  This one:

While that may leave a film behind when you clean (since it IS a lotion in the soap) it made the smell of vinegar much less overwhelming and it was the only Dawn I had in the house left over from a homemade scrub making session.

I followed her directions, which are nice and simple and I heart that, and wound up making several batches.

Here are my bottles of completed All Purpose Ghetto Cleaner (yes, a classy and creative name really sells the product) ...

Stunning, I know.  Yes, that is an empty Squirt bottle re-purposed for a life of holding the back up refills.  I made a ton of this stuff, mostly because I had the supplies and it was easy.  I found that with the Dawn I used that the vinegar smell was actually very tolerable, so I was stoked to use it.

I did use the spray to clean somethings and oh em gee it was a fantastic cleaner!  Like seriously, I was genuinely impressed.  I honestly thought when people raved about their homemade cleaners it was just them patting themselves on the back for having made it and scrubbing their asses off in order to fool themselves into thinking they worked.  Sorta like the whole microwave thing, I figured my new exercise plan would be that all my home cleaners sucked and I had to work four times as hard to make the house passably clean.  Not so!  I was actually impressed at how clean stuff looked.  I do have to follow up my wet wiping with a dry wipe, probably because I used the Dawn with Olay and it streaks if I don't.  But it smells pretty decent, cleans well, and costs very very little.

Usually in posts like this people tell you that it only cost them $0.08 a bottle or something, honestly I have no clue.  I do know that I had all the ingredients, including the empty 2 liter bottle and dollar store spray bottle, so technically it cost me nothing to make it that day.  Having had this in the house for over a week I can tell you that I use it pretty often but I am not running out yet, so it is certainly economical.

So, I didn't blow anything up and didn't even make a big mess this time!  Well, at least I didn't until I started to make the wipes ... but that is tomorrow's story ...

vinegar + microwave filth

So on my list of forty things that just needed done so desperately around here (that I swear will get done before I die) was the microwave.  I had put the microwave in the Meatball's chore sticks because it wasn't like I was expecting to do surgery in there or anything.  However, since the previous homeowners chose to grace posterity with off white appliances it was getting a tad icky looking.  So I of course turned to Pintercrack to help me find a totally effective yet lazy way to not humiliate myself when people are over and need to zap food.

Cue this pin.

Well I happen to have a butt load of vinegar here from my science teacher days and a dirty microwave, lets do this!!!

Note: She lists a toothpick as an optional supply.  I would suggest a jackhammer if the grime in your microwave has the sheer stubborn staying power mine had.

Here is before, and I swear it was worse that it looks.  By a lot, I am not even trying to be all "oh it was just a mess from the night before!" nope, y'all I barely every clean it and stuff blows up in that thing all the time.  It was bad, the camera adds ten pounds but subtracts a years worth of slobbery.  Oh, and the marks you DO see are semi permanent, I swear.

I should have taken before and after pictures of me.  They would have been something like this ...

Before ... and ... After

Here is the microwave, after I tried to asphyxiate the hell out of my whole household with the ungodly stench of hot vinegar and scrub like Cinderella.  Ugh.

The original poster says she only had to zap the vinegar once.  Well, I lost count after five 2 minute increments.  Or maybe the stench just killed enough brain cells I couldn't count any higher, hard to know for sure.  Seriously.  It was the stickiest crap ever, it was like trying to take a tattoo off with a dry baby butt wipe, thus why it was still on there after all this time and my paltry attempts at cleaning that proceeded this one.

I found that when I moved the cup directly under or next to the section I was focusing on it made it a lot easier to clean that part.   This is why I had to do it several times, slow and stinky but effective.

In case the whole cup in the microwave thing was hard to understand.
This is for the visual learners.

Gagging the whole time I did it and while I snapped those pictures, but I must say, I am impressed.  I am also annoyed I didn't have the wherewithal to try this when it was nice outside because I'd kill a small village to open a damn window up and ventilate this place.  The pin tellith no lie, it works, but oy vey it smelled worse than I expected for a little while!

Of to pin "how to get rid of vinegar smell" ...

mod podge, hair "gel," and cheapo x-mas gifts

Sometimes even I can be amazed at my own ability to be overly confident.  For Christmas this year I decided that somehow I was capable of not only being crafty, but sewing.  I don't know what the hell I was thinking with the sewing part, but that is a separate post that I will probably drink my way through writing ... and sewing, I think it may improve my odds.

This post?  Well I thought this would be easy, after all I have done this stuff before.

Remember my easy yet cheap gift for my mother?  This one?

Yeah, all of two ingredients, Dawn dish soap and sugar, and you have a pretty scrub.  I foolishly signed on to make about a million of them for a baby shower  which was adorable by the way.  Here is a picture of the blue version since the mama-to-be was baking a baby boy in her oven:

So by the time December rolls around I am like a scrub-making-bad-ass.  Done it a few times, can't possibly screw it up.  Right? HA!

I made the scrub without a problem, because honestly it is that easy.  But then I looked at that jar and I thought to myself "Self, I don't have any more cute spoons.  I need a pretty label!"  So I sat down and I made these.

So far so good, ultimately.  I am not a thousand percent pleased with the label but I needed to glue those babies on and get my jars drying because some of my presents were getting mailed and I needed to get on that.  So out comes the Mod Podge and in comes all those opportunities to screw stuff up.

How to Eff Up EASY Christmas Gifts in Twelve Simple Steps:

Step One: Gather your supplies.  This should be easy, make your scrub following the directions found here, and pour into the jars of your choice.

Then grab Mod Podge, and something to paint it on with.  Side note: If you are going to use a really cheap brush you happen to have and intend to just throw away when you are done please note the odd pricking sense of foreboding you have because the brush is about to be your downfall.

Step Two: Nearly rip all the skin on your hands off trying to open the murther fracking Mod Podge that has sealed itself within the bottle.

Step Three: Put some Mod Podge on the top of the jar.

Step Four: Put one of your labels on top of the Mod Podge.

Step Five: Start putting Mod Podge on top of the label.  This is when shit starts going wrong.

Step Six: Realize that the ink from your printer is smearing and you need to use fewer brush strokes.

Step Seven: Realize that your cheap assed brush is shedding hairs into your pretty Mod Podged labels.  Try to pick it out and swear at it without smearing additional ink around.

Step Eight: Run your hands through your hair in frustration and realize you just Mod Podged your hair into a pony tail.  There is no picture accompanying this damn step.

Step Nine: Realize that you might have just Mod Podged the goshdamn lids and/or rings on to the jars and remove/wipe as necessary.

Step Ten: Add another layer of Mod Podge while still picking out hairs from the brush and feeling your own hair solidify.

Step Eleven: DO NOT TOUCH THEM.  Just leave them alone, you have done enough damage, let them dry.

Step Twelve: Remember to put a hat on before answering the door for the FedEx guy because you haven't had time to take a shower so you still look suspiciously like a scene from Something About Mary.

So with all this success rolling around the house I decided today is not the day to attempt sewing, something I cannot do well at on a good day.  I figure when I need to chisel my hair we can safely assume this is not a "good day."

There is the finished, not wrapped product.  Not quite as cute as I pictured, but at least no one knows what I was aiming for.  Without that mental image to compare it too I think they work just fine.