patience & potatoes

I don't know if all pictures are worth a thousand words, but I do have one that tells a story.

I had seen a million people pinning the heck out of this "Better than fries!" pin.

So simple, slice a potato, stick some butter in some of the slices, drizzle olive oil and slap that sucker in the oven.  Bam, delicious and easy, right?

Is it ever that simple?

No.  No it is not.

So I decide I am going to do this.  The pin I had (which I cannot find because apparently I did not repin it!) says to "stick a bamboo skewer through the potato so that you don't accidentally slice all the way through.

Yeah, I tried that.  They forgot to mention in the ingredient list that you need the Hulk because I dunno how the doddle you could shove a bamboo skewer through a RAW potato if you are all Bruce Bannering it up.

So after fighting a bamboo skewer a third of the way in I pulled it out and just cut carefully.  I deserve points for not messing this part up at all.

Then we get to the "place some butter in between every couple of slices."  Simple, right.

Well here is where my lack of patience comes into play and the picture that tells a story does the work for me.

*Ahem*  In other words ...

I was willing to TRY with potato number one.  Potato number two I was like "okay this is a bit tedious" and by three I was thinking this idea sucked.  The fourth potato was just where I gave up and I only did it because I had taken the time to slice the biotch.

Frankly, it was messy, tedious, and not even that tasty when I was done.  Between this and the whole vinegar "no 'poo" lies Pintercrack has been telling me lately I am feeling a bit disenchanted with the whole credibility of my pins.

the Moron + the Overachiever

My dog is a moron.

Cute, very loyal and great with kids, but for the purposes of this post I want to really focus on what a moron he is.

My husband is an overachiever.

He is an overachiever who likes "survival stuff" and transferred all his hemp knot knowledge from high school into paracord knots for all kinds of supposed practical stuff.  I have yet to see any of these things function in their secondary way (i.e. a bracelet that can come apart and be used as rope to repel down a mountain or something) but I am sure they would be usable in a pinch.

Just a few examples.
Seriously, we have hundreds of these.

Combine the overachieving husband and the moron dog and what do you get?  Me, praying over dog poop.

Paul Bunyan has made more paracord bracelets, key chains, zipper pulls, and knife handle cover things than I can count.  We have all sorts of colors including the natural camo looking ones and neon ones too.  *eye roll*

This one is mine.  I won't complain about this one ;)

Well a few weeks ago he made one, with like 40 feet of freaking cord in it.  Black and yellow.  It looks like a normal bracelet and everything, but if you unravel it you have some crazy long colorful rope.  Well he left it on his nightstand, which was a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Cue the moron, but cute dog.  This one.

He got bored, and by the time we got home all that was left were two black clips with teeth marks in them.

So somewhere IN my dog is like 40 feet of paracord.  It is possible for it to, um, pass on its own.  So now here we are two days later and suddenly Furry McMoron is wanting to poo a lot.  But he doesn't actually poo a lot.

Here is hoping it is still small enough to pass and hasn't unraveled ... I shudder to think of 40 feet worth of cord unraveled.  He is acting fine and has another 24 hours before I resentfully drag his booty into the vet and fork over a small country's worth in vet bills for them to say "he is a moron" and take care of it.

I'm a vinegar masochist

Vinegar.  I have such a love hate relationship with the stuff.  If it could only smell more tolerable I would amend that to a "love love relationship" but no.  Instead vinegar smells like a 16 day-dead-jock-strap.  And yet, I clean my house with it.  Go figure.

A few weeks ago my husband, who is still living by the way even after this, talked me into trying some brilliant idea.  Lured by the promise of "it is cheap" and "it is green" and the promise that he found the idea on Pintercrack -- therefore lending it complete credibility! -- I agreed.

The idea, my friends, was to give up shampoo and conditioner and trade them in for baking soda and vinegar.

Oh. My. Gawd.  Yes, I was that stupid.  I took hair care advice from a dude who takes style cues from Mr. Clean.

Uh huh, bald dude told me what to do with my hair ... and I listened.  I must be some kind of masochist.

Anyway, there isn't much to blog here.  I tried it.  It was gross, as it turns out Bunyan and Pintercrack are not 100% reliable.  I tried to document it for the purposes of blogging but seriously I was so repulsed by myself that I only have one picture and I shudder to share even it.

Not a great quality, I know, but it felt like an oil spill happened on my head.  The picture really does it no justice at all.  It was such an odd combination of clean and filthy at the same time.

Proponents of this (seriously, search it on Pintercrack there are a LOT of people who swear by this) rave about how soft their hair is.  Uh huh, my hair was uber soft.  Slick even.

They call it "no 'poo" and I am not even going to touch that one with my immature sense of humor.  But here I am at the moment I decided the experiment was over and I was going to just wash my hair with REAL shampoo and conditioner.

I am sure I sounded like those old Herbal Essence commercials for that exceptionally long shower where half of a bottle of shampoo was used.

But I have to counteract this hideous and repulsive tail with a vinegar-that-works story.  Brace yourself, because this time I didn't bathe in it ... I drank it.

At this point you are either thinking "oh my gosh she is a total bad ass!" OR you are mortified that I can be this stupid and still survive.  Maybe a combo of both.  But desperate times call for desperate measures, my friends.

I had a sinus infection.  The Death Bug of 2014 had struck and slowly claimed everyone then really took me down.  It was a weekend and in my blurry desperation I searched for home remedies.  I found two, one I will share later because it was worthless to me then because it has to sit in the fridge for a bit to work.  The other was Apple Cider Vinegar.

I followed this recipe the first time and nearly hurled, which would have probably helped with the congestion temporarily but was not what I was hoping for.  The second go round I threw "healthy" to the wind and seasoned the hell out of my drink until it was tolerable-ish.  The end result is this recipe, keep in mind I am not a doctor I just play one on blogger in name only.

2 tablespoons unfiltered apple cider vinegar (don't use the crap that looks like apple juice because it won't work and you will needlessly suffer!  I used Braggs)
3/4 cup apple juice
1/4 cup (or there abouts) of water
As much cinnamon and honey as it takes to make it tolerable (I use an obscene amount)
Ice (because if it ain't cold you will never get it down)

Mix it all together and I drank it twice a day ... and seriously I felt better within 10 minutes of the first drink.  No joke, I had to see remarkable change after that first drink to even consider trying again.

Apparently ACV has tremendous health benefits, so since I can choke it down (though I may develop diabetes in the process) I have kept up the drinking to see how it goes.  I am not very good at remembering the twice a day thing, but I have pulled off once a day by making it ahead in a jug and shaking that mofo like mad when it is time to drink.    

Cuz that's a great message!

Sometimes I go against the grain.  Not in a cool, edgy way, more of a comes off as an asshole kind of thing really.  I don't mean to be, but I am.

Kid shows tend to bring out my inner asshole like nothing else.  Particularly Disney things.  Not all Disney things.  But some.  So while it will be no surprise to anyone who knows me that I am about to express disappointment in a Disney show, I was deeply surprised by the level of "duh" I think Disney expressed.  

Jake and the Neverland Pirates is a very popular show with the Beans.  I am, myself, a big Peter Pan fan and even in spite of the glaring inappropriate stuff in the original Disney film happen to have a weak spot for it.  But this episode has come up at least twice now and I am just as horrified on the second watching as I was the first.  

I will summarize the deeply engaging plot for you and provide background first.  The Pirate Princess was once turned into a gold statue by the Sea Witch but Jake and his crew --primarily Izzy in a carefully constructed girl powerish episode -- saved her.  In this episode, however, the Sea Witch is at it again so ultimately they decide they need to change her from a bad witch into a good witch.  

Simple enough, and they do just that.  

So what's the problem?  Simple.  Here is the Bad Sea Witch ....

and here she is after she has become the Good Sea Witch.

Not only has she lost some weight and gone from green to a lovely tan, she also had a voice change and is ever so lovely now.  

Because fat, ugly people are ALWAYS evil and skinny, pretty people are ALWAYS good!  You can pet their puppies, take their candy, and why the hell not, go ahead and get in their vans with blacked-out windows because they can't possibly be BAD if they are good-looking!!!!  They must be trustworthy if they are are easy on the eyes! 

I mean, I was willing to try to accept that they were trying to overcome some of the glaring gender bias in the original Disney-take on Peter Pan.  I mean, it is surely unintentional, and I am clearly over-reading a children's show, that the only girl pirate has the pixie dust and therefore relies on the power of someone else rather than her own physical abilities (as Jake does) or intelligence (as Cubby does).  Surely the whole flamboyant use of the word "emergency" is just me being uber sensitive and a total goober.  

The show buys me peace and quiet in thirty minute intervals and is now on Netflix, lessening my outrage at them but only marginally.  So I try to overlook things.  But hello, can you make the message any more superficial and misleading?!  She is fat and ugly, so she is the bad guy ... little bit of magic and she is skinny and pretty so now she must be good!  Yay for pretty people, fat ones are all soo baaaaad!  They could have changed her from green to any other color, altered the way she spoke, changed her clothes ... it all would have been enough.  But they had to remove 20 lbs and make her dramatically prettier to really drive the bad to good transformation point home.  

So bravo Disney.  I am so glad that you can figure out how to continue to subtly perpetuate superficiality, sexism, and gender bias in a candy coated way.   

  

Allergy Parent's Bat Signal: Homeschool, 504, something else?

I have probably sat down to write this blog post, or one very similar a million times.  I wind up getting rambly and not having a real point, so they are all just archived and will never see the light of the actual interwebz, which is likely for the best.

Today, however, I have a purpose in mind.  I would like feedback.  I would like ideas.  I would like someone to pat me on the back and say "there there I get it, this is how we handle it and it will all be okay."

Trouble is you can't give me the last one 100% and it is the one I want the most.  But I do know that I can get some ideas and feedback from other been there done this parents, and that is primarily what I am hoping for most realistically.

The Beans has allergies to six out of the top eight major food allergens.  I have discussed it briefly on this blog a few times, but mostly because I didn't want to make this into an "allergy mom" blog I have refrained.  I didn't mention all the weird reactions, the ones we couldn't explain.  I haven't detailed the panic I have felt countless times in silly situations that should be innocuous and no big deal because I am paralyzed with fear that Beans has been exposed and may puff up and stop breathing on me.  I didn't share about the time his face swelled up or the countless hives we have had to watch and Benadryl out of existence.

I didn't want this to become and "allergy mom" blog because, well if we gonna be blunt, I don't want to be an allergy mom.  It was a little corner of my world where I could just pretend it isn't a biggie.

But I suck at pretending.

So, the Beans will be three in April.  Apart from the normal "oh my gosh my baaaaaby!'ing that I am doing at this I am also arrested with a new panic.

School.

Starting with the 2014/15 school year in August the Beans is preschool eligible.  Bunyan and I have oscillated a million times on where we stand on the subject.  He was the one to panic first (outloud) and say "can't we just homeschool him?"

I never pictured being a homeschool parent.  I used to be pretty opposed to the idea.  At present, I have educated myself a lot more on what GOOD homeschooling looks like and I have no opposition to it in principal.  Just ... do I want to do it?

My hesitancies with homeschooling Beans, and I mean really homeschooling him, not the summer school stuff I do with Meatball which we are prepping for already this year, stem from two main thoughts.

One: He would love a classroom environment SO much.

Two: I was kinda looking forward to having him go to school for MY sake.  

So if item numero dos makes me a bad mom, okay.  I am going for honest here, and to be honest I was looking forward to the possibilities of 3 hours a day while he is in preschool AND then once he is in full day maybe I could go back to work?  I could be ME, more than just the mom and house elf.  Not necessarily a decision maker, but financially this would make a big difference to us as a family too.

Item number one is the part that makes me sad.  I don't know how to look into homeschooling groups in my area to help with the socialization stuff.  The one I found says it is "closed" which was pretty discouraging.  I am not well versed on my state's laws regarding homeschool, I have a lot of research to do.

Academically, I am not worried.  That is so not my issue.  It is all the other stuff.

But when I start to think about sending him off to school ... I am overwhelmed with the number of opportunities with which he could be exposed.  I am well versed in 504 plans, I will link some stuff I have found at the end of this post in case it is helpful to anyone else.  But a 504 plan is just a plan.  Even a really good one, even when executed by a phenomenal teacher and school staff is less secure and safe than my home is.  My home is kept as free of any allergen as possible.

You start talking about removing allergens from public school classrooms and people bust out the pitch forks and start talking about their kid's fundamental need and right to have peanut butter.

It isn't that I disagree with those parents.  It is just that when debating about their 8 hours of inconvenience that can help improve the chances of keeping my kid alive I have a hard time not becoming emotionally involved in the discussion.  

And honestly, I don't think peanut and tree nut free classrooms in my school district and area are a big deal anymore, so it isn't the peanut butter.  It is all the other stuff.  Beans cannot come in contact with peanuts, tree nuts, dairy, egg, soy, gluten, honey, bananas, and possibly latex.  Even if parents, teachers and a school were willing it would be challenging.  Add to this that they won't be willing to remove all those things from the school day for my special snowflake and you introduce risks.  What if Jimmy doesn't wash his hands and touches Beans?  What if snacks are mixed up and he eats something he shouldn't?  What if, what if, what if?! 

So then my mind goes back to homeschooling and round and round we go.  Bunyan is no better with this, he cycles as much as I do about it.

So here is the part where I hope to get feedback.  If you DO have a school aged kiddo with food allergies what do you do?  If your child attends school (public or otherwise) outside your home what kind of 504 plan do you have in place?  If you homeschool what does that look like and what brought you to this decision?

If you don't have any feedback for me, but could share this with anyone you think might, I would super appreciate it too.  I just want to gather as much info as possible so that when we do commit to a decision we can do it in as informed a way as possible.

Links:
Rather than slap 50 links up here I am just going to provide you with one.  This is the link to my Pinterest board, Allergy Resources.  For the record, my name is not actually "Helen Highwater" but it is a fitting pseudonym none the less ;)  I also started a Pinterest board for homeschooling and preschool in addition to lots of other stuff.

what kind of moron?

What kind of moron spends like two weeks forgetting to finish packing up the final stuff that is getting mailed out of state until just under a week before Christmas?

This kind of moron.  right here.  *waves*

Bunyan and I really ramped up the stupid this year, money is tight and we not only waited too long to be able to pony express it on the slowest route possible to keep cost down, but we also were sending things to largely awkward to go in a reasonable sized box.  So while it weighed only $40 worth of rush because you are stupid, it took up $67 of rush because you are stupid space on the plane.  In essence, we were stupid.

Adding to the financial impact of this stupidity came the excitement of the post office.  The post office 6 days before Christmas.

If you look up the word stupid in the dictionary there just might be a picture of us.

Adding to my immense good fortune and incredible forward thinking, the morning I planned to go I couldn't find the Bean's sweatshirt.  He has several, all were missing.  No idea where most where, but we were lucky to find the Spider-Man one, which is his favorite after about 15 minutes of desperate searching.  So I got to the post office seven minutes after it opened.

In seven minutes approximately 474 people managed to get in line in front of us.

So we waited.

And waited.

And waaaaaited.

Only to get to the end of the wait to have a $67 stupid tax pied on top of my long wait.  But the bright side here is that Spidey-Beans made the lady behind us laugh several times and was actually well behaved for most of the wait.

What is the most wonderful time of year again?

Apple Butter, Part III and done!

Well it is that time of year, you know the one where I find myself grumbling "how does the rest of the world not find 'Baby, Its Cold Outside' creepy as hell?!" while avoiding public in general.

Also known as the Christmas season.  Humbug.

But I wanted to wrap up those apple butter gifts I started a while back for the Meatball's teachers, so I did my best to be both crafty and festive.  A girl can pretend!

I had to get some smaller jars, mine were 16 to 24 oz and I really didn't want to give each teacher that much, so I got 8 oz jars and set the bigger ones in the sink to thaw.

I was impatient, shocker, and added some warm water to the sink which made the bottom pop off of one of my big jars.  That sucked.

The Beans happily stood on a chair next to me the whole time, spoon in hand, reminding me that I could "put it in the Beansies bowl!" because he adores the crud out of apple butter now.  He was quite horrified by my telling him we were *gasp* giving it all away.

I made little cards on the computer.  I found the chalkboard tags here, and just used Microsoft Word to insert some Word Art in white and made labels for it.

Cut those out, without losing a finger.  Yay me!

Made them little hemp thread loops on top.

Tied them on to the final product after Meatball wrote names on the backs.

Poof, done.

Too bad the rest of my Christmas shopping is going to be no where near this easy!