and suddenly she is real

I had to wait to post this story, I had wanted to share it sometime ago but could not.  See, we have known we are having a girl for a while now, I had blood work at 12 weeks because we have a family history of chromosomal abnormalities.  Amazing what they can do now, really.  But at 12 weeks even though visually on ultrasound there was no way to tell, the chromosomes could.  It is a girl!

A few weeks later I was reading in my HG support group on facebook and a woman shared an article she had written.  This is that article.  This is the resulting story.
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I knew, early on.  I was terrified because in both
of my losses I was convinced they were girls, I was terrified of another angel.  I was also terrified of having a daughter, but that fear was a completely different kind and so much less paralyzing.

But I knew.

At twelve weeks we found out for sure.  This pregnancy would give us a daughter.  She had made it further than either of her sisters had, all signs point to her making it.

Assuming the HG doesn't yet take either of us.

But it just didn't feel real.

I had felt my second son move at 14 weeks.  He started moving regularly by 16 and hasn't stopped moving yet at 3.5 years.  But I haven't felt her, not yet. {Note: I was 14.5 weeks at the time of writing, not feeling her is totally normal.}

Despite vomiting more times than I can count, despite battling dehydration, undernourishment, weakness, and the emotional roller coaster that accompanies all of this ... she didn't feel real.

Emotionally I had not connected with this pregnancy at all.  I still harbored a fear that she wouldn't make it, I will harbor that fear right up until they hand her to me.

At 13 weeks I became obsessed with naming her.  I hounded my husband, I needed a name.  Silently I hoped a name would make her REAL.  A name would be one of those happy things you do in pregnancy, I needed joy, I needed normalcy.  I needed real.

But I got sicker and we are still unsure of a name.  I felt so guilty that I wasn't connecting.  I wasn't ambivalent about her, hell I was fighting hard for both of us and wanted her desperately, but I just wasn't connecting to her.  I am not sure I can explain that beyond those words.  The idea of her was surreal, imaginary.  Uncertain.

I was/am having a hard day today.  I actually vomited bile for the first time, pulled some muscles with the force of my illness and I feel utterly awful.  I am waiting for my doctor's office to call me back.  I retreated to my HG forums and facebook support groups because there I could cry about how sorry I felt for myself to women who understood me and wouldn't give me the well intended but hurtful advice others would.  One member of a group had shared an article she had written regarding the recent re-diagnosis of the Duchess of Cambridge with HG and the resulting comments in the media.  She shared her story and discussed at one point in the article that while she and her daughter had battled HG and won once, her fear of HG coming back to claim her daughter in 20ish years was very real.  Apparently for women who's mothers battled HG, the risk of their having it is much higher.

Suddenly, it hit me.

I burst into tears and actually cried out "oh I am so sorry baby girl!" to my belly.  I wept for my daughter ... I emotionally connected to her, about her, with her.

Now, I will honestly tell you that I resent that the object of our initial connection was HG, but it was.  The thought of my child potentially suffering hurt me physically and emotionally.  The realism of that was overwhelming and something I could relate to, whereas the other daughter-things I had tried thinking about made no sense to me as I have no experience with them.  This, well this I have experience with.

While it is a gift to finally feel she is real, and it is a process to be honest, it is a curse to know she may someday deal with this too if she has children.  All I can do is pray she is spared, a cure is found, or something along those lines.

But now she is real.  She is mine.  We will get through this, a hard battle though it may be.  But I have a daughter, and I am not letting go of her for anything.