Sunday, June 2, 2013

An Open Letter to Netflix

Dear Netflix,

We have a complicated relationship, and I blame you entirely for it.

We started off fine, with you sending me the DVDs I wanted more or less when I wanted them.  Then the whole streaming thing started, and I was like "man, that is bad ass! Thank you!" and loved you even more.

Somewhere in there, my ability to function became entirely dependent on you.

Oh yeah, I know where it happened.


Don't get me wrong, I will be honest that I was swearing at you under my breath when I had discovered Glee, like a year after everyone else on the planet, and obsessively watched up to the end of what you offered only to discover that an additional like 17 seasons have happened that you haven't loaded.  The freaking Glee club kids I was watching should be heading back for their ten year reunions and I have NO idea what is happening?!

I could get over that.  I had a much, much harder time with Downton Abbey and wound up having to find out when the hell PBS was airing that because I would still be back in frigging 1914 and not have known about *spoilers, highlight to see it if you are even further behind than I was* Mary and Matthew finally getting married, Sybil dying and what they did to my beloved Matthew! I am still in mourning!!!*end spoiler*

But now?  Now you screwed with Nick Jr.

Pardon my french, but you deserve an f-bomb or two and I have muttered them countless times in the last week or so when Beans is asking for Diego and Wonder Pets ...  but they are GONE.


We purposely bought some of his faves from Disney on DVD because, let's be frank here, Disney is all about magic and whatever, but whoever is in charge of marketing and product distribution is one greedy bastard.  It takes me ten years just to bypass the previews and get to mother effing "fast play" and then they go vaulting crap so you cannot buy it and have to splurge now or Peter Pan may DIE!!!  So when I looked at the list of things available on Netflix and saw very very little of Disney I figured it was just that Disney was good and controlling their product and whoring for as much money as possible.  So, no, I assumed I would not have access to Disney shows for $8.69 a month.

So we bought a couple Jake and the Neverland Pirates videos.  A holy butt ton of Little Einsteins, the cost of which seems to be equal to whatever the disc's weight is in platinum, and figured between a couple DVDs  and Netflix all would be well.

Then you screwed me.

I know it is all contract BS and maybe it isn't exclusively your fault that you no longer have Nick Jr. shows, but know that I am hating you for it all the same.  You let the whole Viacom deal expire.  You are the asshole to blame.

Apart from the wicked pissed two year old that I would unleash upon you if I didn't think I would somehow get sued for the damages he'd cause, I have a ticked 11 year old who loved some occasional Jimmy Neutron and I am terrified you will take away the shows *I* want to watch before I have cleared the que.  As if I needed something else to distract me from getting things done now I have YEARS of television to cram into my life?!

Seriously, can you just tell me if you are going to rip Weeds, Once Upon a Time, Mad Men, How I Met Your Mother or Dr. Who out of my life to so I can totally sink into the madness?

Did I mention we are in the process of canceling our cable for you?  You two-timing-witch.

Oh and did you really keep Calluou?  Seriously, I would rather soak in honey and lay on a mountain of fire ants for hours than listen to ONE episode of that whiny little turd.

In closing, I forgot to mention that I have friends who's kids are completely obsessed with Dora and Yo Gabba Gabba (I was scared of that show and have never allowed my children to watch it because it is like Sesame Street on acid) who are equally ready to riot against you.  I am sure you are fielding LOTS of calls from parents annoyed with this and I am sure you have some very nice prepared statement about it all too.  I also know that I have been told that between Hulu and Amazon Prime I may be able to bring peace to our house again.  You may have gotten awfully comfy being the best for a while, but you have to stay competitive in order to stay on top.

Keeping that whiny brat Calluou but ditching the Wonder Pets was an exceptionally shitty plan to try to actually please customers.

One Frazzled Mom

1 comment:

  1. Yeah. I'm upset now that Doctor Who's moved to Amazon because I can't afford both but I don't like enough shows on Amazon to warrant dropping my Netflix. I only own half a season of DW on DVD. Half. A. Season. I can't survive on that.