Monday, September 29, 2014

its a ... disappointment? NO!

Hopefully this time you get your girl!

I have heard the above phrase more times than I can count in these weeks of pregnancy, when I actually am up to talking to people.  Especially with how the pregnancy has been going, people are just sure.

Nearly everyone has said some variant of it.  From the polite "maybe it will be"s to the down right annoying "you better have gotten it right this time"s that baffle me.  I am pretty sure everyone who knows us is certain we only broke the two children standard the American world seems to hold so dear because we had not yet had a girl.

Its a ... oh my!
Truth of the matter is I'd rather a boy.  

I won't throw it back if its a girl (that was an attempt at humor, if you missed it, seriously chill).  But I know boys.  I have only had boys.  I am fine with boys.  In fact, I down right love 'em.  I relish being a mom of boys, I love that I can refer to my household as "my men" with a hint of humor but no need for qualifications.  

Even back when I babysat I only ever had boys.  Come to think of it, I do not think I have ever changed a girl's diaper.  The thought actually terrifies me.  Let's be frank here, I know for sure how unpleasant a diaper change can be with the anatomy of a chubby little boy.  There are some wrinkly, foldy parts there that poop just makes a mess of.  But it is not a *glances over her shoulder* vagina.

I mean seriously, WTF do you do with that?!

No, don't tell me.  I don't want to know.  

Not unless I have to.

Its a ...OMG!
Which I may have to, I have a strong feeling I am having a girl, and it terrifies me more than may be rational.  

But most of all, I hate that if I have a girl people will exclaim"finally" like I accomplished the real goal.  Or if I have another boy they will sigh and say "will you try again?" because for some reason the fact I have only had boys is a failure.  Like my sons are insignificant.  

Um, no. 

If I have a girl, then I have one.  If I don't and I have another boy, then I have another boy.  Neither is a failure, and technically both were the goal.  We didn't plan this pregnancy with the purpose of having a girl OR a boy.  We planned to have a baby.  A child.  A sibling for the kids we have.  A person.  That was it.  No need for a specific gender, and I have never understood that.  

Its ... THE BABY!
I am frankly offended by what the "finallys" imply about my existing children.  Like, damn, that one has a penis and it just isn't what we were hoping for!  Crap, there is another one with a penis, what a waste!  No, "that one" is a person I am amazingly proud of and honored to watch grow.  He is a beautiful miracle that takes my damn breath away with his brilliance, complexity, and glorious heart.  He happens to be a boy, but I refuse to allow societies expectations of him force him to be something he doesn't want to be.  Or I will try anyway.

I would be as passionate a mother of a daughter, but it saddens me when people undervalue my sons simply because I already have them and especially because I have more than one.  I don't need a matched pair or a set, I need a child that is here and healthy as possible.  You're over complicating and over thinking things if you go beyond that.  

Parenthood is complicated and terrifying enough.  Why add more stress to it, especially with something that I have quite literally NO control of.  


Deep breathing now ... I am not going to worry about any of it until I know I need to.  

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Outlander *drool*

I tend to obsess on certain things.

Hot Scottish men, happen to be one of them.

Historical romance is totally my dirty little secret.  Has been for years.  Oddly, my mother got me hooked.  I was going through a really dark period of my life and reading has always been my escape, but I was having a hard time finding stuff that I could handle.  She handed me a copy of Whitney My Love, saying it was an emotional roller coaster but worth it.  After years of rolling my eyes at the lurid book covers she burred her nose in (seriously, this is my MOM, ew!) I rolled my eyes and only promised I would give it a chapter or two before I would give up.

I couldn't put it down.

I love an assured happy ending.  Romance novels, at least of the genre I adore, guarantee me that.  I call it a Sound of Music ending ... where they all escape the Nazis over the Alps at the end to live happily ever after.  I love me a happily ever after.

I also love historical fiction.  SO combine the two and I am a happy camper.  Throw in a couple steamy scenes and I am good to go.

If you are wondering, no, the GIFs have nothing to technically do with this post.  I just like using them.  Yum.

Anyway, I heard from a friend about the Outlander series and thought it sounded up my alley even if it wasn't a traditional historical romance book series according to some.  I also happen to love and obsess over Scotland and always have so it was like the best of all things for me.

I am only on book three now, but since I am not exactly up to my usual tricks lately I have been able to read a lot more and am chewing through my Kindle allowance rather fast these days.

Then I heard it was a TV show.  Of course, I can't actually WATCH the damn show, which is killing me.

I have to sustain myself with GIFs and youtube teasers.

It has been hard.


Anyway, I check at least once a week for a legit way to watch the show without suddenly getting a cable package.  So far I have had mixed reviews from people who swear certain sites are safe while others swear the same site made their computer speak in tongues and vomit pea soup.

While Paul Bunyan is super and understanding and all that, I think if I turn our computer in to a scene from the Exorcist he will not be pleased with me regardless of how valiant the cause.

I also suspect he may think the cause less valiant than I do.  Sooo not my problem.

Friday, September 26, 2014

google says: BAD NEWS BEARS!

Well the saga continues ... yesterday I spoke with my doctors office and freaked them out enough that I now qualify for a home healthcare evaluation.

I am simultaneously relieved and terrified. The relief is because there is hope that I will glad feel better and we can hopefully regain some weight, peace, and excitement. The terror is simply because I googled my treatment plan and was met with multiple horrifying stories where it all went wrong. Like catastrophically, but that's what google is for, right?

Here is the worst case scenario imaginable! Now panic over it for days!!!

I mean, let's be frank, if there is a chance of a horrendous, atypical reaction to be had the odds just aren't in my favor!

I want to document this process, as much for my own good as potentially someone else's, so I'm going to be honest as I can. 

I feel very betrayed by my own body. A friend asked me the other day if I resented the baby, honestly the question shocked me. That's how far from "resentment" I am, it never occurred to me. Baby is as much a victim of this senseless crap as I am!

If I am to blame anyone or thing it is my own body, which seems to have decided that basic nourishment is poison. 

It is so weird to be thirsty, parched even, and yet I cannot drink. I could have any fluid I want to (except maybe the damn margarita I so deserve) but I know drinking it would be a mistake probably 80% of the time. Usually drinking triggers an episode of vomiting where the amount that comes up is greater than the amount I attempted to send down. Furthering the dehydration even more. Food can occasionally make it down, drinks are rare. Weird. 

I feel like a failure and like I am being failed. With the potential risks and complications that may lay ahead with the new potential plan I find myself looking back and wondering what I did wrong, did I really try hard enough, am I making too big a deal of all this? Logically I know it is time to take more aggressive action, I've barely been living for a month ... Shoot even my concept of time is shot. I have no idea how long it has been. I guess from week 8 to now, so that would be 6 weeks. Sheesh. Yeah, it's time to do more. But it's scary too. 

So today I am waiting in my insurance company to approve whatever they will approve and call me so that we can set up appointments and all that. Of course it's a Friday so I am lacking confidence regarding the speed with which this will all happen. Strange to fear it but want it all to hurry up. I've always been a practical person, once a decision is made I'm like "let's just do it and get on with things" so I am not a fan of limbo.

Yeah, no. 

Anyway, more whining and boring babble is likely to come. I have a non HG post coming soon, full of GIFs and one hot Scot, so there's a ray of delicious sunshine coming soon!

Oh and last thought I will leave you with here ... due the the constant companion Zofran has in constipation I get to try my very first Dulcolax suppository tonight.  Yup.  I know, you are jealous of the fun I am going to be having!  Wild Friday nights up in here!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Hyperemesis Gravidarum: what NOT to say!

Irony of ironies, I have barely been able to post the myriad of things I have wanted to, including wrapping the editing of the post where I announce my pregnancy, because I have been too sick.

So, by the way, I'm pregnant.  Yay!

I have always said I was a princess, but man, Hyperemesis Gravidarum just wasn't the thing I wanted to check off in that box as proof.  Not only to Duchess Kate and I hypothetically bond over illness, but this same illness is the reason we publicly announce our pregnancies.  HA!

It is hard to talk about HG when you are actively in the throws of it.  Go figure, talking about puking is hard when that is all you can do.  So I'll not tell you much right now about how I am doing or what this journey has been for me personally, but I will.  Just when I am better.  Presently I am 14 weeks and the clouds are lifting enough that I find this post possible, a few weeks ago it simply wasn't.

This is part hormonal, nauseated, angry rant with a dash of begging and education thrown in for good measure.  And lots of GIFs because they make me happy.

In no particular order because anyone of these if grounds for me aiming at you when I get sick for the 100th time today ...

1. "Oh I had morning sickness too!"

Morning sickness is crummy, I make no bones about it.  But HG is not morning sickness, though by medical definition it is often referred to as "severe morning sickness."  Let me put it this way, if you can count the number of times a day you get/got ill this is NOT the thing to say to me.

2. "Have you tried crackers/ginger/Preggie Pops/Seabands/some-weird-wives-tale/etc.?"

If one more person suggests ginger in any form {typing paused because I actually had to gag and dry heave over this} ... in a word, yes.  Yes.  I have tried all of that.  Desperately. Repeatedly.

3. "Oh my gawd, this one time when I was pregnant I threw up in...."

Do not talk about up-chuck in any form.  Not only do I not care, because that requires energy I do not have, I also cannot take hearing it.  Its also pretty freaking weird but for some reason people seem compelled to tell me.  I have managed to christen every receptacle typical for catching illness and many never intended for acts so vile.  We can swap horror stories some other day, for now please just shhhh.

4. "Have you tried just forcing yourself to eat or drink?"

Seriously?  I am trying not to drop F-bombs here but this one is hard not to reply with a good ol' "eff you" too.  Scientific question: what would happen if you tried to spray a garden hose UP Niagara Falls?  Same dif here.

5.  "But doesn't taking medicine while your pregnant make you nervous?  What if your kid has like a third eye because of that?!"

You're asking the wrong questions.  What if my child is so malnourished that s/he doesn't make it?  What if I am so malnourished or dehydrated that I go into preterm labor or miscarry?  What if both my baby and I don't make it, because that happens with HG?  I hate taking medicine, but without them I wouldn't have gotten this far.  It scares me, but not taking them scares me a lot more.

6. "Oh I understand!  When I was pregnant I would hurl the second I even saw *insert food item here* much less smelled it!"

I am sure that was awful, and I say that without too much snark.  I had that in prior pregnancies and it sucked then.  But here's the thing, I don't vomit because of seeing or smelling food, though that is a sure fire way to make me sick. I am sick no matter what.  Sometimes I can't even talk because the act of opening my mouth and activating my vocal chords does it for me.  I cannot swallow my spit half the time.

7. "I gained 30 lbs when I was pregnant, you're lucky to be losing some!"

Or anything like this.  Anything that comments on my weight loss as though it is some kind of GIFT makes you an undisputed asshole.

8. "Well you haven't lost that much weight."

Seriously, if you were an asshole on #7 this makes it even worse.

If you are looking at me and thinking I haven't lost that much weight chances are you are seeing how puffy and bloated the medication I am taking has made me.  Or even better, and way more TMI but you -- special snowflake that you are -- deserve it: Maybe my tummy is so large because the medication that they have pumped me full of makes it utterly impossible to poop.  Yup.  I am so damned constipated that my entire GI track is as backed up as a LA free way at 5 PM on a weekday.  What I manage to get down may never come out again!  So my tummy IS huge and I AM maintaining weight temporarily, but its not a good thing either.

9. "Oh I bet you are so sick because you're having a boy/girl this time!"

I admit, I have always joked (as a mother of only boys) to my girl friends who have had girls and are uncomfy through their pregnancies that it has to be that they are having a girl causing their misery.  "After all," I tell them, "two women can never occupy a confined space in peace!" so they MUST be having a girl. I swear, I will never say this again.

I have been assured I am having a girl this go-round because of my pathetic state more times than I can count.  Wives tales and gut feelings aside, HG has no known cause, cure, or even a sure-fire treatment plan.  The gender of my child is not what is making me so ill, even if it winds up coincidentally matching your theory.

10.  "Bet this will be your last baby now, eh?"  

I admit, now is NOT the time for me to discuss ever being knocked up again.  But I find any questions like this rude and nauseating when I am not in my current state, why are you inquiring about this at all you nosy weirdo?

Because actually screaming would mean
I have to open my mouth ...
Between the sickness, and the resulting exhaustion and weakness I have experienced as a result, I have not been up to a whole lot.  Sitting up at the computer is actually a challenge.  So whether you found this because YOU are going through HG (hugs and sympathy!) or because a loved one is, hang in there.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.