vaccinations and peanuts

As the debate on vaccinations and the tensions over the measles outbreak continues to concern us all, I have noticed a really troubling (and annoying) little meme or phrase that keeps popping up.  It haunts my facebook feed with a nagging and insidious hidden barb that bugs the crap out of me.

Or this one:

And if it isn't a meme or a cute little graphic, it is an attempt at a witty tweet.

No, Kristen-I-adore-you-otherwise-Bell, it is not a "good point" made by @MotherJones.  I respectfully disagree with you there, though, again, I freaking adore you otherwise.

It is a random, unrelated, unfair point.  

It is an apples and oranges argument, one having very very little to do with the other. It is something within allergy circles that I have seen come up recently, parents really upset by this sentiment who sometimes have a hard time articulating WHY it bothers them so badly.  I wasn't sure what about it bugged me so much first, but I knew I hated it immediately.  The first time I saw it, a meme shared by a friend on facebook much like the Wonka one, I groaned out loud.  

I posted this on my personal facebook page when I was still having a hard time articulating my distaste for the "joke" or "vent" and was met with a lot of well meaning and kind responses.

Most people assured me that those memes were not meant to insult allergy families.  Most of my very pro-vaxxing friends wanted to address the importance of inoculations and how children need protection from these illnesses.  When I discussed it verbally with a friend she assured me that as an allergy mom I am just used to being the butt of a joke and so I am taking it personally when it isn't about me, or my kid, or even peanuts.  

But is it?  And if it is not, WTF is the point of bringing it up?

That ^ cartoon paints me and the anti-vaxxing mom with the same brush, literally and figuratively.  That cartoon illustrated precisely what my underlying nagging little fear was when I saw the meme start to regurgitate itself across the internet with increasing frequency. The implication is that we are both irrational and selfishly overseeing our children's perceived (insert finger quotes and eye rolls here) needs with no regard for anyone else. 

I still find it difficult to articulate though, because I know that the people sharing it when I do try to say why I hate the sentiment will reply with "but that isn't the point."

Well it may not be your point, but as in all arguments, if the ONLY way you can dispute something is by bringing up an unrelated something else then are you really proving anything?

This idea is meant to be witty, biting, and direct.  But it is really none of those things at all.  

Does it bother me that they are aligning me with anti-vax parents?  Yes.  Not only because I personally chose to vaccinate my children to the fullest extent I can (more on that in a moment) but also because not vaccinating is a choice.  A CHOICE.  We never got a say in whether or not a peanut, or milk, or parsley could KILL our child.  No one asked me.  No long-debunked research studies, no famous former Playboys turned parental activist ... I never got to sign a waver for this life.  Choosing to not have your child receive the MMR shot or any other shot is a choice, a decision purposely made.  Food allergies are a life sentence handed to you by fate.

Does it bother me that I am put in, let's be blunt here, the same category as fanatical, uber crunchy, kinda "out there" parents because of this argument?  Yes. Not because of the level of granola in my life, but because that category isn't meant to be a flattering one.  Those parents are instantly dismissed on the grounds of being, I hate the pun, nuts.

Does it bother me that in order to make your point you have to drag my kids into this argument, where they have no real place?  Yes.

Many children, mine included, with food allergies cannot receive certain vaccinations because of the way they are produced.  Some involve egg, some actually involve milk contamination, some children with food allergies carry other diagnoses that leave them immuno-compromised and they are not supposed to get those shots because the vaccination could actually kill them.  My kids get every shot they can have, and I hold my breath in fear for each one just in case because the threat of those shots is not an imaginary one.   

As a food allergy parent we get used to having to field certain questions and sometimes certain annoyances from other people.  It is really hard sometimes to not get really defensive when people are POed about not sending a PB&J to school because it is inconvenient for them while it could make my child suffer tremendously within seconds just to be in the same room.  When I start to think about how defensive, and admittedly, angry it can make me to hear parents complain about "inconvenience" and "annoyance" when these precautions can prevent my kid from dying ... I do begin to see the point the authors of these memes, status messages, tweets and what not are trying to make.  This could kill innocent children.  How can you not get behind something that prevents that?

While I do get it, I really wish people would stop bringing peanuts into the vaccination argument.  Mainly because if you chose to not vaccinate, that is your choice and this is a battle you chose.  It ain't my battle, I have enough of them and want no part in this one. Your on your own here.

The bottom line, either way at the core of any of these points are innocent children.  They are not meant to be banners in your war -- stop using them as such.  Whether your point is "if I can be forced to not send peanuts you should be forced to vaccinate" or "you are just as big of a pain in my ass as those kids are" ... please, stop using MY innocent children to further your point in this debate.  

Allergy Parent's Bat Signal: Homeschool, 504, something else?

I have probably sat down to write this blog post, or one very similar a million times.  I wind up getting rambly and not having a real point, so they are all just archived and will never see the light of the actual interwebz, which is likely for the best.

Today, however, I have a purpose in mind.  I would like feedback.  I would like ideas.  I would like someone to pat me on the back and say "there there I get it, this is how we handle it and it will all be okay."

Trouble is you can't give me the last one 100% and it is the one I want the most.  But I do know that I can get some ideas and feedback from other been there done this parents, and that is primarily what I am hoping for most realistically.

The Beans has allergies to six out of the top eight major food allergens.  I have discussed it briefly on this blog a few times, but mostly because I didn't want to make this into an "allergy mom" blog I have refrained.  I didn't mention all the weird reactions, the ones we couldn't explain.  I haven't detailed the panic I have felt countless times in silly situations that should be innocuous and no big deal because I am paralyzed with fear that Beans has been exposed and may puff up and stop breathing on me.  I didn't share about the time his face swelled up or the countless hives we have had to watch and Benadryl out of existence.

I didn't want this to become and "allergy mom" blog because, well if we gonna be blunt, I don't want to be an allergy mom.  It was a little corner of my world where I could just pretend it isn't a biggie.

But I suck at pretending.

So, the Beans will be three in April.  Apart from the normal "oh my gosh my baaaaaby!'ing that I am doing at this I am also arrested with a new panic.

School.

Starting with the 2014/15 school year in August the Beans is preschool eligible.  Bunyan and I have oscillated a million times on where we stand on the subject.  He was the one to panic first (outloud) and say "can't we just homeschool him?"

I never pictured being a homeschool parent.  I used to be pretty opposed to the idea.  At present, I have educated myself a lot more on what GOOD homeschooling looks like and I have no opposition to it in principal.  Just ... do I want to do it?

My hesitancies with homeschooling Beans, and I mean really homeschooling him, not the summer school stuff I do with Meatball which we are prepping for already this year, stem from two main thoughts.

One: He would love a classroom environment SO much.

Two: I was kinda looking forward to having him go to school for MY sake.  

So if item numero dos makes me a bad mom, okay.  I am going for honest here, and to be honest I was looking forward to the possibilities of 3 hours a day while he is in preschool AND then once he is in full day maybe I could go back to work?  I could be ME, more than just the mom and house elf.  Not necessarily a decision maker, but financially this would make a big difference to us as a family too.

Item number one is the part that makes me sad.  I don't know how to look into homeschooling groups in my area to help with the socialization stuff.  The one I found says it is "closed" which was pretty discouraging.  I am not well versed on my state's laws regarding homeschool, I have a lot of research to do.

Academically, I am not worried.  That is so not my issue.  It is all the other stuff.

But when I start to think about sending him off to school ... I am overwhelmed with the number of opportunities with which he could be exposed.  I am well versed in 504 plans, I will link some stuff I have found at the end of this post in case it is helpful to anyone else.  But a 504 plan is just a plan.  Even a really good one, even when executed by a phenomenal teacher and school staff is less secure and safe than my home is.  My home is kept as free of any allergen as possible.

You start talking about removing allergens from public school classrooms and people bust out the pitch forks and start talking about their kid's fundamental need and right to have peanut butter.

It isn't that I disagree with those parents.  It is just that when debating about their 8 hours of inconvenience that can help improve the chances of keeping my kid alive I have a hard time not becoming emotionally involved in the discussion.  

And honestly, I don't think peanut and tree nut free classrooms in my school district and area are a big deal anymore, so it isn't the peanut butter.  It is all the other stuff.  Beans cannot come in contact with peanuts, tree nuts, dairy, egg, soy, gluten, honey, bananas, and possibly latex.  Even if parents, teachers and a school were willing it would be challenging.  Add to this that they won't be willing to remove all those things from the school day for my special snowflake and you introduce risks.  What if Jimmy doesn't wash his hands and touches Beans?  What if snacks are mixed up and he eats something he shouldn't?  What if, what if, what if?! 

So then my mind goes back to homeschooling and round and round we go.  Bunyan is no better with this, he cycles as much as I do about it.

So here is the part where I hope to get feedback.  If you DO have a school aged kiddo with food allergies what do you do?  If your child attends school (public or otherwise) outside your home what kind of 504 plan do you have in place?  If you homeschool what does that look like and what brought you to this decision?

If you don't have any feedback for me, but could share this with anyone you think might, I would super appreciate it too.  I just want to gather as much info as possible so that when we do commit to a decision we can do it in as informed a way as possible.

Links:
Rather than slap 50 links up here I am just going to provide you with one.  This is the link to my Pinterest board, Allergy Resources.  For the record, my name is not actually "Helen Highwater" but it is a fitting pseudonym none the less ;)  I also started a Pinterest board for homeschooling and preschool in addition to lots of other stuff.

what the teacher REALLY wants you to know?

Every year around this time I always see articles about back to school, many of them advising parents what their child's teacher really wants them to know.  Many of them hit the nail on the head, but never with nearly enough honesty.

Well, I am nothing if I am not honest.

I feel that these lists often come across as very us-against-them, and I hate that because it shouldn't be that way ever. The point should always return to the fact that parents, students and the teacher are a team, so take this all in the spirit of maintaining the health and equitable respect on that team.

The Twelve Things Your Child's Teacher Really Wants You To Know:

1. You are an expert on your child, but I know my stuff too.  You are one amazingly valuable resource to me!  You know your kiddo better than I do, you can help me make them successful.  But please know that in the hours I have your child I ask things of them you don't, and I get very different results.  Please do not presume that I know nothing about your child and that your little darling is unlike any kid I have ever had the pleasure of working with before.  They may be different, but I do know what I am doing.  Please hear me out and know we are a team, I am not out to get you or your kiddo.

I don't claim to be perfect,
but I do work perfectly hard.  

2. I always need supplies.  Depending on the school, the district, the weather, etc. I may well be responsible for all the "stuff" we use in class.  Consumables for an average of 30 kids on my salary -- oh don't worry, we will get there, check out # 3 -- it isn't a pretty situation.  Older grade teachers often have one hundred or more students.  Regardless of the grade or subject matter I teach, chances are I always need the following: handsanitizer, Kleenex boxes, copy paper.  From there, if I am an elementary teacher I will probably faint if you bring me glue and other art supplies.  Older grades will have more specific needs based on subject matter.  Oh and pencils, I always need pencils.  But seriously, just ask.  I will be grateful beyond belief if you are able to support our classroom this way, though I won't expect it of you!

3. My salary shouldn't be a debate point.  Sigh.  I have heard it all.  According to some I am drastically underpaid.  According to others I am a pampered premadonna with three months vacation and a superiority complex.  The reality?  I know there are some teachers who spend their summers off relaxing ... I just haven't met very many. Most teachers I know spend their "summers off" doing professional development, for example taking classes, developing and trying out new projects, or working on lesson plans.  Good teachers believe they are perpetual students, and they want to keep innovation alive in their classrooms.  We are constantly evolving, constantly getting additional training, certifications, and degrees.  But our salaries do not always reflect this growth.  If your job required you to constantly return to school for additional degrees (they now recommend to bachelors students that they immediately begin work on their masters) and additional certifications while also requiring you to pay for a huge amount of supplies out of your own pocket, how would you feel about it?

4. So you watched Waiting For Superman, read an article, looked into No Child Left Behind or some other bit of legislation and want to debate the state of education or suggest ways for me to do my job better?  Um, with all due respect I would love suggestions if you think they are helpful.  But please, pretty please with a cherry and sprinkles on top with hot fudge, please understand that the "problems" in the education industry are complex.  I cannot fix them all, nor can you.  I want you to try.  I love that you are passionate, but please know that it is likely that I am forbidden by my school or district to discuss these matters with you, nor do I really want to.  Its not that I think you know nothing, just that I think you may be working from a limited frame of reference and you may insult the snot out of me.  Please look into parent groups advocating for your schools if you want to help.

5. I love love love parents who talk with their kids about school!  I want you to ask your child what they are learning, I want you to check that I am doing my job.  I have nothing to hide, and I would much rather parents that speak with their children than the alternative. For some parents this comes natural while their child is in elementary school, they check over homework and impose routines at home with school work and extra reading.  I want to weep with joy for this!  But many parents don't, and even the really diligent ones often lessen this a bit when middle school and high school roll around.  Even if you aren't checking the homework, which I do not expect you to, ask your child what is going on, what they learned today, what they find challenging in class, and so on.  Get that dialog going, it will be invaluable to all of us!

6.  Stuff going on at home?  Let me know please!  Your child's behavior does not exist in a vacuum.  Stresses at home?  Chances are I will see some of this vent out at school.  I am not asking for gossip or your dirty laundry, I will always respect your privacy.  But when I see your child suddenly behaving differently with their peers, their work quality alter, or attitude change I will begin investigating why.  The whole point is to maintain their well being and success, so if you could fire off an email that just says "Hey, we have some stuff going on at home, but all is well.  Just wanted to let you know." It will help me to understand the complexities of your child's emotions, and equip me to better support them.

7. Question your kiddo before you contact me.  I am not a militant tyrant in my classroom.  I may have bad days, I may get grumpy, but I am not evil.  If your child comes home bemoaning how I "punished" them for "no reason at all!" really ask yourself if that makes sense.  Consequences issued in a classroom generally create more work for me, would I really do that without good reason?  You know your child, question them.  Chances are I had a reason.  If you can't find the reason please feel free to check with me so that I may explain what happened, but know that asking for "my side" imposes a situation where it is me versus your child.  I do not like that dynamic, because it is never me against my students.  It is me for them.  It is you and I working to help them.  Always.

8. I will never ask your child to do anything I think they will fail at.  Ever.  Period.  I have high standards for your child, I know you do too.  I also spend a lot of my time assessing and evaluating your kiddo so that I know where they are now and can set reasonable, yet high, goals for them.  Failure is a part of learning, we learn a great deal from our mistakes, but I will never set your child up for failure.

9. I appreciate your generosity, but really I don't need another Christmas tree ornament.  I have more stuff that says #1 Teacher on it than I know what to do with, and I could decorate a whole tree of ornaments from students.  All those spiffy things you're pinning away planning to make me?  I will love them, be grateful for them, and then probably store them or have no chose but to toss them when I run out of room.  I would love a genuine thank you note from you or your child.  I will use a gift certificate, and I will treasure a personalized gift that I can use.  I don't want you to break the bank, nor do I want a cheap after thought of a present.  Giving me nothing is better than either of those options honestly because both are a hardship on you, and I don't want that.

10.  If your child is struggling, please let me know.  Homework should never be "new."  New stuff is for class, homework should be review and practice.  If your child is struggling with it or spending hours upon hours on it because they don't understand it, please tell me.  I assign projects that require them to show me what they know but also to teach about time management.  I assign homework to keep their minds exercised.  If your child is falling apart stressed out I need to know that, because I need to do something to help them.

11.  I respect all that you do, I am sorry if I don't always say so.  Parenting is a hard and thankless job.  I know, even before I was a parent it was obvious enough.  Becoming a parent made me understand just how much.  Please know that I do respect all you do, I know your life is complicated and involved.  When I contact you or ask for your help with something with your child know that I am not minimizing anything else you have on your plate.

12. I truly do care about your child.  Even if your child is a thorn in my side.  Even if your child is a disrespectful mouthy little bit of goods -- I love them, respect them, and want what is best for them.  I will work tirelessly for your child, and do far more than you know toward this goal.

The reality is that just as bad teacher unfortunately get all teachers painted with a bad brush, the same can be said for parents.  The parents I would want to read this list, won't.  The parents who will, well they don't always need too.  If we could all keep our top priority in mind -- the success of your child -- we will be fine. Because if we all have the same goal and are on the same team, what could possibly go wrong?