Friday, February 10, 2012

breaking the spacetime continuum ... in my kitchen

This is a two parter.  Part Two actually happened first but will happen second a-la-Star-Wars style, cuz I'm cool like that.  Confused yet?  Me too, but that's normal.

Anyhoo, I broke the space-time continuum.  Twice.  In my kitchen.

For realz, and I gots pictures to prove this!
Exhibit A

That is a drawer in my kitchen.  Now a word about my kitchen ... no, a few words: Its small as hell.  Actually, I imagine hell is a lot bigger, I haven't been there.  Yet.

You cannot simultaneously open more than one thing and still move through my kitchen.  Not possible, unless you can fly over everything because it does have a high ceiling.  I have a grand total of four drawers in the whole thing.  Exhibit A is one of them.  Not like we have lots of space, right?  Right.

So I was trying to get a chip bag clip out of this drawer and it was stuck.  Firmly lodged and pinned with other clips and  some other crap I could barely identify because I realized I couldn't actually open the drawer the whole way.  When I thought about it, I haven't been able to pull that drawer out more than a couple of inches in a long while ... please tell me I'm not the only loser who has epiphany moments like this?

I can't open a drawer because its full of too much shit.  
I haven't been able to open this drawer in ... um ... well ... its been a while. 

At the risk of fully humiliating myself (ha, you people don't actually know me!) it hasn't been truly, all the way opened since 2009 apparently.  I know this based on 2 of the contents I eventually removed from its depths.

Exhibit B
That was what was in this drawer.  Plus a tape measure.  I pulled the tape measure out because I wanted to measure this thing.  It is five inches wide, three inches deep, and sixteen-and-a-half inches long.  That is a grand total of 247.5 cubic inches (I can do math, as the blog points out its my domestic skills I suck at).  So Somehow we had fit the following in that narrow drawer:
  • 3 Glade Plug-Ins plug in things
  • 1 other Plug-In from Bath & Body Works (I think)
  • 3 Plug-Ins from Target, but I don't remember the brand
  • 1 LED nightlight
  • 1 bottle 100 count Benadryl (for the dog)
  • 2 bag "bottle" toppers
  • 1 can-turns-into-bottle topper
  • 1 huge strip of twist ties
  • 1 pedometer
  • 1 flip flop lighter
  • 1 plastic bookmark
  • 1 small pair scissors
  • 1 strip of 3M sticky things ... not sure what for???
  • 1 Scotch tape dispenser
  • 1 pack of Trident gum
  • 1/2 pack of Bubble Yum
  • 3 business cards
  • 1 glue stick
  • 1 plastic thing that looks like it came out of a cereal box but I can't identify
  • a shit ton of Post-It Notes in various sizes 
  • 2 huge chip bag clips
  • 6 small chip bag clips
  • 2 small metal clips
  • 1 broken mini-bag clip
  • 1 dog tag
  • 1 house key (?) still on packaging from store
  • 1 how-to knot tying thing
  • 1 really old tool that I can't identify
  • 1 metal thingy I can't identify
  • 1 ASU bottle opener that sings the Fight Song when used
  • 1 AAA battery, probably dead
  • 1 mint tin from a wedding (in 2009)
  • 1 coupon for Clorox Anywhere Anti-Allergen spray (expired June 30, 2009)
That is 46 separate things plus "a shit ton" of Post-Its crammed into 247.5 cubic inches of space.

So I have managed to at least bend the space-time continuum all so that I could store a bunch of crap.

Part Two about my enormous scientific advances deals with my itty bitty pantry ...

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