Monday, May 7, 2012

wait ... she said WHAT?!?!

You know how sometimes people say something that really very articulately demonstrates how fully clueless they are?

Like woman who tells a military wife she totally understands what it must be like when her husband is deployed because her husband is away on business All.  The.  Time.

Or the parents who can understand severe-life-threatening-allergies other parents face because their kid gets the sniffles around their in-laws cats?

Those dumbasses.  We all know one.  We've all been, or will be, accosted by their wild stupidity at some point.  

Well it happened to me while reading some really dumb article about Beyonce on People.  I should have known, but like a moth to a flame I clicked the link figuring I would find something funny from this new mom.

And boy howdy, did I ever.  

My mama taught me to share, so here ya go ...

Asked what she wears to look awake after sleepless nights spent with baby Blue, she replies, "Lip gloss – I love L'OrĂ©al's Infallible 8 HR Le Gloss in Coral Sands – and a little bit of blush."

Oh, of course.  In order to look awake and refreshed she uses lip gloss, particularly a Coral color because ... wait ... lip gloss?!  Blush?!  Well whiskey tango foxtrot, why hadn't I thought of that genius idea?  Clearly I look worn out and ten years older with dark circles under my blood shot eyes because I never wear blush and my idea of "lip gloss" is Carmex.  That is if I have one that I didn't forget in my pocket that ran through the washer and drier.

Also because someone who says they make themselves looks "awake" by applying goo to their lips or some blush to their cheeks is either one of two things:

1.) Lying through their stupid-ass-teeth.

2.) Clueless.

I think Beyonce is the latter and not the former.  

If someone asked a pampered mom what she did to look awake they'd probably reply with something like ...
She forgot the blush and lip gloss!
Clearly that's why she looks so worn!
... I have a facial once a week!

... my assistant brings me a venti double shot caramel frappuccino with extra caramel and whip cream from Starbucks every morning!

... frozen cucumber slices and I do a maple syrup, vinegar, and cumin cleanse daily! (okay, so I made that up, but I bet there is something like it out there)

Of course those responses are purely hypothetical, I am not a pampered mom.  I am a normal mom.  Well, normalish.  If someone asked a normal mom what she did to look awake they'd probably reply with things like ...

... a shit-ton of concealer.

... intravenous coffee.

... oh I shoot those compact energy drinks twice before I leave the house.

... WTF, do I look awake???

... if you don't lower you voice right the hell now, and you wake that baby, I will absolutely kill you.  Twice.

Beyonce's response points out that she is nether a normal mom, nor even a pampered mom. She belongs in some far out there stratosphere where apparently she doesn't actually interact with her child, certainly not at night.

No comments:

Post a Comment