As of my last post, I was pretty much a total downer. Sorry 'bout that, but to be honest this has been a roller coaster. Greater than any other medical roller coaster *I* have been on personally and it would really be dishonest of me to only post the good stuff. Some days I am like "I got this, I can do it!" and other days I want to mope and feel very sorry for myself. I believe I am entitled to have both days.
Today, though, is a good day. So I figured a little writing and catching up was in order.
Since I left off I have had to have my PICC replaced once due to it clotting off somehow. I will post about that independently because I know for me, the removal process and what could go "wrong" with a PICC consumed a lot of my thoughts especially in the beginning. It is better now, though I still worry and have some anxiety about something going wrong again. Not that I logically have need to worry, just when you go through stuff sometimes it makes you worry.
Anyway, I have wanted to just throw something out there in case my last post left anyone upset because I was pretty down. I was only a few hours out from getting my PICC and it is overwhelming in a lot of ways. It represented a huge change, and mentally I felt very much like a failure not only because of all the things I couldn't do (some of which now I can) but also because the PICC was such a "last resort" kind of thing that getting there felt like a big step in the wrong direction.
Perspective is everything, however. While there are still bad days, and while I will never say that I looooooove having a PICC line, I will say that I 100% do NOT regret getting this sucker. It has been the right choice for me and for my baby.
I have to be more transparent, with myself even, on the bad days. I have to give myself permission to vent, because I find that I am constantly trying to reprimand myself for feeling crummy about the way things are now. It is okay to feel bleh, angry, depressed ... that is all normal. Even if it is all worth it in the end, it sucks right now. I can't -- and won't -- give into it, but it isn't being fair to me or fairly representing HG to only post my sarcastic spin on the misery or advice on how not to be a total buttface to someone with HG.
I am working on a PICC series -- this one will include having it placed, removed, and the day-
to-day stuff. Since some days are better than others I am not sure how long it will take for me to actually manufacture those posts, but I am working on it. I am also working on some other posts that may feel a little diary entry-ish to a reader but I have a lot of time to think lately and I know eventually I will want to look back on my thoughts during this time. Blogging about it is as good a place as any to slap those musings down for posterity.
So since it is a good day health-wise, I am here writing and will hopefully crank out a couple posts or at least get started. Today I am feeling good enough that being positive and hopeful is possible, so I am focusing on that and will keep on moving forward either way!