Tuesday, December 9, 2014

PICC Line Pity Party

Well the PICC is in and to be honest of the process of actually getting it put in -- I have had worse

As for how I feel today ... well, I know that this will get better because I will continue to heal and get less sore, and I will learn how to navigate all the stuff that is so foreign and new right now in no time.  So I know this will get better.  But for now I just want to feel very very sorry for myself.

I hurt.

I feel so unable to do anything.

I am panicking about my lack of ability to do anything independently.

HG has made me such a shell of my usual me.  The energy I had, the things I did, have all changed.  Now, typing this is hard and I have to do it in stages.

I run two Etsy shops.  Well, I did.  I do home preschool with the Beans.  Well, I did.  I manage the house, cleaning, cooking, and schedules of my family.  Well, I did.  I feel like I contribute very little outside of growing this little person, which I know is a monumental task and everything ... but it breaks my heart to see how tired my husband is.  How my kids are gradually getting used to what I cannot do for them.

Now this ... I had a hellova time getting myself dressed today.  I am not even hooked up to fluids because the nurse wasn't able to come out yesterday.  That is two more lines connecting me to something that presently I don't have to deal with.  And I still barely got my socks and shoes on.  I needed to flush the PICC last night and Bunyan had to help because I cannot hook the syringes up independently given where it is located.  At least not yet, I thought I couldn't with some of my IVs and I figured that out.  I know I will figure out whatever I can, I know that I will have help with whatever I can't.  I just don't want to need to.

Fifteen weeks.  There are fifteen weeks left in this pregnancy and I may be on the PICC for every last one of them.  That, on one hand, feels depressing and on the other is a lot of time to figure out a new normal.

I just don't want a new normal.  I want to be just plain old normal again.

But I won't be.

Honestly I will never be quite who I was before this again.  This is the kind of life experience that changes you a bit.  I value my health more now than I ever could have had I just always had it to take for granted.

My nurse comes in a few hours to actually hook me up to the fluids and teach me how to use this sucker properly.  I will get all my questions answered and she will be here once a week to help me troubleshoot and change the dressings.  I know it will get better.  Sometimes you just need to give yourself a moment though, and now I kinda need one.  I need to acknowledge that this is hard, this sucks, and this is overwhelming ... but it could be worse AND it will be worth it once the baby is here.  Once my nurse gets here it is about coping and functioning again, I will have some independence even if it isn't the amount I want.  I need to make a list of questions and stuff.

But for now, I am taking that moment, because I have a lot of work to do later.

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