Monday, March 5, 2012

10 things I want Pinterest to know

Dear Pinterest,
I admit, I have developed a pretty unhealthy relationship with you that I am absolutely unwilling to give up. Truth of the matter is this is an abusive relationship, a passive-aggressive-abusive-relationship. How, you ask? It's simple. You scream I am a massive, complete, utter wild failure with all your pretty pictures that suggest success comes easily. I know that success does not come easily to me, yet I pin my ass off hoping. Each time I hit "repin" I think to myself, quite foolishly optimistically, "ooooh, I could do that!"

But then, occasionally, I try to do it. (Like with this, this, or this)

Clever cooking stuff like this, but while I execute it acceptably, I get this for the aftermath.

So here are some things I wish you would just know about me. Things I wish you could filter my results knowing. Things that make me suck more than you think I do.

 1.) I don't have that much hair. If I did have that much, and if it was that long, and if it was that beautious, I wouldn't need a damn website to show me how to curl it, tie it up, pony tail it, or color it to make it look even better. If I had hair like that it's because I have a gay male stylist who knows his shit and costs a fortune.  Done.

2.) It's easy to make a space that is both large and architecturally awesome look kick-ass. There is nothing clever or DIY cool about it. If I had an awesome bay window, balcony, brownstone apartment, massive kitchen, or huge vaulted ceiling in my frigging bathroom I too could have a pin-worthy space. As is, I have a small, cave-like home that no amount of aqua and red paint can fix.

3.) I can't cook that good. Call it "easy" all you want, but, I know better.

4.) I would need to have a Duggar sized family to utilize all of the cool nursery ideas I pin. I would still have too many ideas and not enough uterine elasticity to make them practical.

5.) I can't knit.  Got it?

6.) I find that having "the fitness solution" or "4 minutes a day to fab abs" pinned next to "salted caramel and chocolate cake in a mug! OMG heaven!" a bit sick.  Mixed messages much?  Do you want me to be Fat Albert or Twiggy?

7.)  I do not, I repeat NOT, need more freaking coasters.  Yes, I know you can make them.  Yes, I know they are cheap.  Yes, I even know I can make them as cheap gifts for friends but here's the deal -- my friends have Pinterest too.  They, also, don't need more freaking coasters!

8.)  Am I the only one in the world who doesn't need another "How to tie your scarf 47 different ways" tutorial?  And yes, I know you can make them out of t-shirts.  That has been pinned a million times too.

9.) Cupcakes don't need to be pretty.  I eat ugly, boring ones too.

10.)  You ever seen the movie Airplane?  You know the lady trying to apply her make up while the plane jumps around erratically?  If I try to apply that much eyeliner in order to achieve the "smokey eyes" effect I will look like her.

Oh and P.S. why do all my single friends pin the crap out of wedding and baby stuff?  Come on over if you want to see the non-Photoshopped fun that wife and motherhood leads to ladies!  Pin that!

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