how to boil an egg

How to Boil an Egg* in Ten "Easy" Steps -- Domestic Rocket Surgeon Style

Step One: Remember to buy eggs at the damn store.  Once you have your eggs put the desired number in the pan.

Step Two: Fill the pan -- or is it a pot?  I guess this is a pot and not a pan. -- fill the pot with water so that it just covers the eggs.  Some may float, this is because nothing is simple and life wants to mess with you at any given opportunity.

Step Three: Try to not drop the pot of water while you put it on the stove, that would suck.  Stick that burner on high.  Oh you can add some salt if you want ... and some lime and a shot of tequila because your in the goshdamn kitchen and it seems appropriate.

Step Four: When the water finally hits a boiling point (watched pots eventually boil, it just takes 27 years) you want to set a timer for 5 minutes.  Leave the eggs there in their purgatory.

that looks like three minutes ... right?

Step Five: Come running into the kitchen chanting "oh shit" because you totally forgot to watch the pot and have no real idea how long those damn eggs have been at a rolling boil.  Assume it has only been like a minute or two and set the timer accordingly.

Step Six: Be grateful that your husband is either not home or hasn't noticed Step Five because he always has some speech about responsibility and you being an awful lot like your mother prepared for moments like that.

Step Seven: When the timer goes off, just shut the heat off and leave the eggs on the burner.  Unless you totally blew it on Step Five and you think they were boiling for a while already.  Then take them off the burner but leave them in the water.

Step Eight: Once the boiled egg water is at a temperature that won't melt your skin right the eff off (I recommend just waiting like two hours, its easier and takes less time than a burn heals) drain the water.  That sounds so easy, but unless you only boiled one egg you are going to feel like a drunk monkey trying to hold an octopus in a pot while trying to do it.  Either way, get the warmish water out and fill with cold water and some ice cubes.  Exceptionally lazy domestic divas let the water get cold on their own and just add ice.  This will probably promote the growth of botulism or swine flu or something horrible, so it is probably not a good idea.

Step Nine: Once the eggs are cold they supposedly peal easier.  Frankly I think this is like a "your eyes will stick that way if you cross them" lie.  Mostly I just like having a reason to ignore them a little longer.

Step Ten: Cut the shit out of your fingers on egg shells.  The injuries you sustain will be similar in agony to a paper cut, but yield a lot less emotional support from your peers.  Except me, I feel bad for you.  Try not to bleed all over your stupid eggs while you wonder for the millionth time why you went to all this trouble to make a food that smells like 16-day-old-rancid-ass.

And there you have it, the ten "easy" steps to boiling an egg.

* For those following the Saga of the Bubble Boy Beans, yes, eggs are one of the could-kill-him-items.  Obviously not a frequent food here any longer, this was an idea from a while ago that I thought was worthy of sharing.  Perhaps some of you really don't know how to boil an egg properly? Ah, well now you do!  You're welcome.