Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I am woman hear me ... roar?

You can't see me here,
but I'm the one hiding behind Joe Pesci.
My husband recently went out of town for a couple of nights.  I learned something very important about myself during this time.

As it turns out, I am a total baby.  Like left the lights on all over the house and was convinced the boogie man was going to come hunt me down level of "baby."

For realz, man, I would have been embarrassed for anyone to have actually seen me then.  Now, in hindsight, its kind of funny.  In a totally pathetic way.

You see, I protected myself and the children from all those unspeakable horrors I was convinced were making those bumps in the night, with a baseball bat.

But not like a real one, because that would still have some serious dignity ala-Good Fellas.

No, I had a mini (18 inches long, I measured) commemorative bat.  It is pink.  I'm pretty sure it is hollow and not entirely sure it is even made of wood.

Yeah.  It strikes fear in your heart just thinking about it, doesn't it?

It was with me almost instantly once the sun went down and the kids were asleep -- oh, did I mention that level of pathetic?  I felt better when the kids were up.  Yes, because the eleven-year-old and the one-year-old made for some kick ass back up in case of a break-in.  You know you are pathetic when you want to keep the baby awake so that you aren't "alone."

Yeah, it was that ridiculous.

I'd hang my head in shame if I had more dignity.  Instead, I would like to project my weakness on others and shift blame.  I blame my dogs.  They barked at everything.  On the first night they stared at the front door growling in this really menacing way ... truth be told I have seen poodles more frightening than my dogs under normal circumstances.  I also have (under any other circumstances beyond the contents of this blog post) less than zero faith in their guard dog abilities.  Case in point, over a year ago a dude was in my backyard whilst on the run from the police.  True story.  My husband walked outside to do something and there was a guy in our garden.  He asked him, ever so politely, if he could please hide behind our bar on our porch because the "cops are looking for me."

Dogs never barked.  Not even once.  Dude in my freaking backyard, who by his own damn omission had just committed a crime (shoplifting and violating his parole, in case you were wondering) and the dogs slept on.

So when they started their Cujo routine I was convinced there was some scary stuff lurking outside my door.

Despite the fact I live in a home that is more than old enough to be settled and young enough to not creak with age, this house made all sorts of weird noises all night.

Freaked.  Me.  Out.

So it would seem, in all my I am an independent and proud woman glory that I am not as independent or glorious as I thought.  "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" -- whatevs peeps, I wanna sleep.

I developed a new appreciation for my husband in the wee, exhausting and stressful hours of the morning while I jolted awake and re-checked windows and doors.  It seems that while he may have some habits that annoy me at times, he makes me feel really quite safe.  It is a quality I have never appreciated fully before.

So sad as it may seem, I would like to morph this into a love note for my husband.

Dear Husband,

You already know that I consider you my soul mate, my Camelot, my life partner and my better-yet-smellier-half.  I hope you know the depths of my love and devotion, the vastness of my respect, and the enormity of my appreciation for all your fine qualities.  All that said, between your size and sheer kick ass confident know how and badassness, I just want you to know that I rest easier when you are near.  Literally and in a figurative poetic-ey way.  I did not sleep an easy wink while you were away.  So while you are all "oh sweetie, I missed you, lets get freaky!" I am like "zzzzzz" cuz my ass hasn't slept in days.  I will love and appreciate you with my conscious mind later, for now, guard on big boy.

Your Adoring (yet apparently completely chicken) Wife


  1. This was so cute. My neighbor's hubs is out of town for the week and she's been complaining that she can't sleep without him in the bed. She has a giant dog that anybody with half a brain would be terrified of, so she's not worried about intruders... she can't sleep. How sweet is that?? When MY hubs is out of town, I sleep like THE DEAD. Most glorious sleep of my life. Hubs is a very violent bed-partner. I am however, petrified of aliens. I can't sleep with the windows open. No matter who's home. :-/

    1. You know, my husband is a terrible bed mate too. Blanket thief extraordinaire AND has the coldest gd feet in the world AND is totally hell bent on using me as a foot warmer. But all things considered I found that I really like being able to kick him and say "hey go check that noise out!" and seeing him respond diligently.

      I hadn't worried about aliens, but I will now. LOL Thanks :0/

  2. Totally the same. Sometimes i give up at being alone in the house, and me and the kids pack up and stay at my parents during his trips!

    1. If he did this more regularly, I'd probably cave and do the same!