Monday, August 27, 2012

50 Shades of WTF?!

No, I have no read it.

No, I do not want to read it.

Yes, I am aware you think it is sooooo freaking hawt.

No, I still do not want to borrow your copy.

Now that we got that out of the way, what in the hell is all of womanhood on these days?  All my girlfriends are still furiously talking about this stupid book.  I had so hoped that it would die down and be gone by now. Alas, its not.  Why?  How does this piece of crap have any staying power at all?

As the opening line so clearly stated, no I haven't read it.  Wanna know why?  Well, regardless of you answer I will tell you.  Bring in the list!  This one is a shorty because I really can't bring myself to need any more reasons.

1. You say "entertaining" I say "abusive relationship muthah truckers!"  I was able to shelf my inner feminist-logical-being who houses all of my girly self esteem and respect long enough to read the Twilight books and I am ashamed to say that I even enjoyed parts of them.  But all the wishy washy avoidance of the real issues at hand that Twilight had these books apparently lack.  Rather,  these books beat the shit out of you with emotional manipulation, abuse and horrible writing all throat punch ninja style.  He's an asshole, she is an idiot, and you are turned on by that?

2. The sex is soooo hot!  Maybe it is.  Maybe its not.  I haven't read it.  I don't know that its worth it from the reviews I have heard.  This one, is by far the most humorous of them all. And yes, there is one for the each of the three books, highly recommend you read them all.  The reviews I linked, that is.  Not the actual books.  Beyond that, I just can't get turned on by the utterly fictitious bullshit that I do know the book contains, nor do I find the asshole/idiot ratio of the main characters anything better than off-putting.

3.  The tampon scene.  Seriously, do I need to say anything more?

4.  The author's name is E L James.  No periods.  Oh I remember when I went through this adorable phase where I used all lower case letters because I was exploring my individuality and being daring and artistic.  I was also sixteen and stupid.

5.  I'm too OCD for this crap.  The math with her pregnancy is all wrong.  A guy wanting to "educate" and "train" someone but being dumb enough to use soapy washcloths on her girly bits (without a UTI resulting, am I the only one in scientific doubt here?) and thinking that because she is OTR she can't get knocked up.  Oh, and no one can be as wildly insecure and controlling as the main character and not have a penis the size of a well-hung-hummingbird's ... I like truth to my fiction.  I like authors who connect the minuscule dots and make sure the loose obsstrings come together into a clean package.  I want it to add up and make sense.  I want it to sound good, read nice, and be enjoyable.  This book, none of the three, has any of that.

List done.

Oh, but the sex scenes!  Gasp! *fans herself*

Well ladefrikenda, people.  Are you really that sex starved?  Nothing wrong with a little fun, a little passion, and even the dirty spanking kind in my opinion.  But seriously, this?  I am sorry, when the heroine of my books is debating if she needs to wash the butt plug or not, I am gonna check out right quick.

Now, I will freely admit that a good part of the disdain I harbor for this book comes from having been a survivor of abuse. I find stories dealing with rape, control, emotional manipulation and battery to be more triggering than anything and insanely un-enjoyable. So with this said, I was put off by the general vague sketch of the plot line immediately, long before I heard whispers of poor writing quality/continuity, unwashed butt plugs or tampon removals mid-love scene. I am not only baffled and out off by my friends' passionate response to a book like this, but a but alarmed. There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults utilizing bondage and domination if that's their thing. Go ahead, establish your safe word and party on with the whipping and hair pulling until you're both too sore to walk.
Even Gaston can call it what it is!

But to sexualize a relationship that is constricting ... controlling ... downright abusive? That's, well, dangerous. I get that the author was hardly making a social statement or a PSA, but why do women respond so hotly to it?

I suppose it is a case of "to each his own" and my very unforgiving inner Italian bitch coming out to rant a bit. I just can't move past the bad long enough to be open to the good.  Especially when the good doesn't sound that good to begin with.


  1. I am so freaking tired of hearing/reading about women I thought were intelligent gushing about reading this book. So, thank you for writing about NOT reading it! I read the reviews and knew I would not be able to stomach the bad writing. I just am not that hard up for porn and I'm not into men degrading women. I don't like ball-busting women either. Geez, why can't there just be normal characters in books? Wait, there are. And those books do seem to do just fine. This is just madness. The other thing that bugged the crap out of me is that it was suddenly cool for women to be trotting out porn into polite society. Uh, yes, we all know what you are reading. It is rude. I don't care if there aren't pictures. It is pretty gross. I'm a little concerned about society when stuff like this is happening. Sorry for ranting on your page, but I was pretty excited to find a like mind!

  2. Okay. I admit it. I read them. All three of them. My sister made me. She has really low standards for books (she even likes MY writing) because she is a psychotically voracious speed-reader (she reads like 100 pgs an hour) and if she had higher standards her husband would strangle her for squandering all his high-earned money on nothing but books. So she constantly raids Goodwill for books and reads everything that is free or $1 on kindle.

    Anyway. Again. You need to go read my posts on this topic. Other than the fact that I DID read the books (she MADE me!) you will see evidence of plagiarism, even though that's impossible because I wrote those posts like three months ago. =)

  3. *hard* earned... not *high* earned. I swear I'm not high. It's just wine.

  4. Word, ladies. I do not get the appeal at all. I am all for embracing one's sexuality, whatever that means to YOU, but I just don't get this whole stupid thing.